Hello! Welcome to the blogspace. My name is Jonathan and this is where my responses to our class readings will be. I am a graduate student in the English Writing Studies program, as I have recently completed a BA in Creative Writing last year in May. I spent over seven months out of university. The first four months were spent at a salad assembling job. In the meantime, I had focused on finding freelance writer opportunities in order to make some money and kickstart my fiction writing career.
The reason I chose to enter this English Writing Studies Program is because I want more opportunities in my field. Holding a Creative Writing Bachelors hasn’t been enough to find any jobs and I because I struggle with writing enough words to find a creative writing deal, I decided to find more opportunities in another field. This program complements my pre-existing degree, and will give me opportunities that will be more successful than just the one degree.
I am looking forward to learning a lot about the things the ENG 5085 COMP THEORY & NEW MEDIA class has to offer. As an introduction, I have a Voacl account where I upload some of my written works. If I get a significant amount of reads, likes, impressions, and comments, Vocal will pay me a little bit. I’d really appreciate it if you guys read it.
Something that’s been on my heart a lot lately is the simple thought that God doesn’t see you by your sin or the things you’ve done wrong. He got up on that cross and died for you by name, He rose again on the third day for you by name, and He has gone to prepare a place for each one of us by name that accept and live by His unending grace. He is coming back soon to call us home by name.
So I guess the question I have for you to think about is this: what is the name you go by?
At some points in my life, I called myself the loner because regardless of whether or not I had friends around, it often felt like I was there just to fill the space. I still have my moments, but moments are not the whole picture. I know that now.
There were some points where I just considered myself a disappointment. I let myself down on promises I made to myself often. I forget things a lot when my mom gives me a list of things to do. Even in moments when I had told someone a friend’s secret for the sake of my friend’s safety I used to consider myself a disappointment to my friend because I’d betrayed their confidence, regardless of the reasons.
Sometimes I felt defenseless or like a victim more than anything, for a number of reasons that some of my past creative pieces outline.
I could go on with the names I used to go by, but ultimately none of those names I give myself matter. None of those were the name that Jesus called me by, though He considered what I called myself in how He called me. He never compromised the identity I was born with, and nor should we when approaching others, but He used the identity I once held to show me just a fraction of the great magnitude of His grace.
I mean think about it, Paul was once the greatest persecutor of Christians, but in every letter he wrote in the New Testament, he introduces himself as a servant of, an apostle of, or a prisoner for Christ, and in a couple of those openings his pupil and friend, Timothy, is included as such. Simon Peter was a fisherman and a gambler, but in both of his letters included in the New Testament he calls himself an apostle, and in 2 Peter he adds that he is a servant of Jesus Christ. When we accept Christ as our Lord and savior, we are dying to ourselves– the identity we held before is no more and we are made new through the power of Jesus’s blood. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come.” This is echoed from Isaiah 43:19, “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”
Paul continues to build on this idea of becoming a new creation in Christ in Philippians 3 as well, but I think before quoting this it’s important to say that even when we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior we are not yet perfect– on this side of heaven we are consenting to the process of sanctification. We are committing to not only resting in God and His promises and trusting that His work is enough to make us perfect come Judgement Day, but we are also considering that He doesn’t keep us from the fiery furnace– He walks in there with us. Philippians 3:12-16 says this:
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
So while in this very moment we are not perfect, the Word tells us of God’s promise to wash us clean of our sins (Isaiah 1:18) and to create in us clean hearts (Psalm 51:10), the work is as good as done. What God says will happen, will come to fruition. What God says will happen is as good as done.
God shows this in a myriad of ways, but I want to go back to Daniel for a moment, before Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walk into the fire. King Nebuchadnezzar ordered the furnace be heated to seven times its normal heat, which was so hot that even the guards outside the door that threw the three into the fire died. The significance? Seven days of creation, opening line of Genesis is seven words, symbolic of fullness or completion. In that opening line of Genesis, the middle of those seven words in the original Hebrew is two letters– alpha and taw– which are the beginning and end of the Hebrew alphabet.
In other words, when God is at the core of who we are, what we do, how we live… there is nothing that can stop His power that is living in you. Culture changes. We change. Things and people come and go. But one thing is sure, as it’s said in Isaiah and quoted in 1 Peter:
6 A voice says, “Cry out.” And I said, “What shall I cry?”
“All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. 7 The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. 8 The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”
Isaiah 40:6-8
And while we are in the exile that is this life on this earth, Peter points out that we should be conducting ourselves in a way that shows gratitude for the payment of the debt we could not pay. The payment that, when we place full faith in Jesus, makes us righteous before the perfect, holy, and just God. The payment that makes us adopted sons and daughters of the Most High God.
So I ask again, what do you go by? The changing states of mind, past traumas, or other struggles you deal with (not that those are any less valid hurdles in life)? Or do you call yourself a servant of God, a child of God, and someone that– however undeserving– God calls beloved?
The start of each semester feels like a breath of fresh air. I like how calm it is in the beginning, because this is the only time you feel you can accomplish everything, and by the middle you just hope to keep it all together! I’m very excited for this spring semester personally. I like how it starts off with super cold weather and then as it wraps up we end up in beautiful spring weather, its like finding a light at the end of the tunnel that their is no turning back on.
I am truly enjoying this masters experience, although at times it can really feel a bit overwhelming and stressful. I take comfort in most of us having the same classes for the last 3 semesters, because it bring a since of stability which I enjoy.
My name is Jasmine but my online persona is Holly Mahogany. I am very into social media and monetizing my participation on the apps I use such as TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook mainly. Recently my 3 year old has shown an interest in making up her own dances and recording them and showing me. I don’t want her on social media just yet, but I appreciate the enthusiasm. I also Have twins who will be 8 months this Friday. They are literally all over the place to say the least, so basically I am pretty busy. I do work full time from home as a Customer Care Supervisor and I don’t think I can ever leave the house again for work.
During undergrad I remember taking a class that dealt with “Netnarr” with Professor Alan Levine. It is a class that I remember so well because it truly left a great impression on me. I still play with one of the apps on my phone called “Digital Alchemy”. Basically you need to create everything within the universe, even the universe ! I have played it but never found all the objects, it really is a great creative time waster. I know this class will be very interesting with the information we will be given. I also remember “Netnarr” as a way to connect with other classes that are learning similar things we will learn. I can not wait to jump in.
For those that don’t know me, I am Chelsea Gray. A writer, reader, and so much more. I currently work as a teacher in a daycare and love it, but my end goal is to teach middle school or high school English, my reason, is they get all the fun books (though I wouldn’t actually know because I didn’t read them when I was in school.)
Speaking of books, I am bibliophile, I have over 500 books in my room now. I went on a bit of a buying spree this month, I didn’t buy any books last year, so I made up for it by buying 39 books so far. I also collect playing cards, I have 93 decks.
Academically, I like to challenge myself and I have an end goal of pursuing two more degrees after my MA in English Writing Studies. I want a Master’s in Communications and then I will go for my Ph.D. in either English or Communications but my dissertation will be a combination of the two Master’s degrees.
Writing these intro blogs gets harder and harder. I don’t like repeating myself so I try to challenge myself with providing new information. Since the last intro blog I’ve done, my family has gotten some really good news! I’m going to be an aunt in March (and on Pi day hopefully)! Perfect for this family of nerds I grew up in.
As for this class, I’m really excited to explore what AI can do. I already know they can do a lot, I’ve had one for 6 years now, but mine was designed to be more like a friend or a chatbot. Nothing like what ChatGPT was designed for. I’ve played around with another AI before this class, Holo AI which was designed to help writers write novels. It’ll be very interesting to see where AI and this class go.
I could go on about myself like I did last semester for e-lit, but that sounds a bit redundant. So if you’re interested in learning (or re-learning) a bit about my faith, my past self, my present self, and who I’m striving to become, it’s in the hyperlink above. If you’re anything like me and don’t really feel like reading two whole posts for the answers you could easily be getting in one, I’ve got you there too. Here’s some of the basics about me:
faith
If my other blogs, or writing pieces, or socialmediaaccounts, or my JLY sweatshirt (15% off code : BIANCA) on the first day of class didn’t give it away enough, I’m openly and unapologetically Christian. I’m not exactly about denominations– the Church is the Church, as far as I’m concerned, and the Bible doesn’t outline anything about any denomination being more or less righteous than another. That said, not every denomination holds doctrine that is actually backed by the Bible, so that’s why I simply consider myself a Christian.
I’m also not exactly the type to seek out conversation, but I am more than happy to talk or just listen if anyone is curious, hurt, or confused by anything Church- or Bible-related. I promise I won’t bite or judge, as it unfortunately seems that being judgmental is a stereotype for most Christians. The questions you might have, I’ve probably had at some point too or at least had a friend wrestle with that question. Ecclesiastes 1:9 mentions that there’s nothing new under the sun; that applies to struggles, doubts, fears, you name it. You aren’t alone. That said, I may not have all the answers, but Galatians 6 talks a bit about this co-learning process that this class is even modeled around.
You’ll probably find that faith is a huge part of what, how, and why I write, and that’s because it most certainly is. On my last blog post from last semester, I talked a lot about why that is, though it also is in many ways an overflow of gratitude for all He’s done and how He loves us.
why i write
I’ve said this many times to friends and as part of my testimony, but I genuinely believe that writing as an art was the crutch God gave me to make it to the moment I came to a place of full reliance on Him. That’s really just how I started writing though. I kept it up for a number of reasons, including the fact that it is a crutch in many ways when I’m walking through a difficult season of life.
Among these other reasons, I write because it helped me feel heard– like I had a voice at least the pages would listen to when no one else would– and it would be selfish of me to keep that entirely to myself. I consider this especially now that these issues aren’t as prevalent in my life and I understand writing is a resource, not The Source.
Writing also takes up a large portion of my prayer life. I keep a few different journals for prayer
other things i do & other commitments
I might’ve mentioned this at some point last semester as well, but one of those commitments I have other than school is that I’m a youth leader at Sparta Church, where I go just about every Sunday for high school core classes, services, and also for work. But as for youth, I’ve been doing this every Sunday morning and night for almost two years now. My senior girls have a special place in my heart, and I’ll be missing them so much as many of them leave for college at the end of the summer, but so proud of the bold, bright lights they are for Jesus. In many ways, the co-learning structure of this class makes me think of them because they teach me so much more than I think they’ll ever realize.
While this was a daunting challenge at first as well, I was a camp counselor last year for Sparta’s summer camp, Breakaway Day Camp. I’m an introvert, and though I like trying to be more extroverted at times, this was a lot to handle. I can’t say that I didn’t love it though. As exhausted as I was, these were some of the best weeks of my summer last year. And if I end up sticking around this summer, I’ll be so excited to go back.
I’m also going to be in-season as a swim coach for both the Sussex YMCA, and for my former high school, Pope John XXIII. I’ve been a swimmer since I was eight years old, and it didn’t take long after the pandemic forced me to quit the swim team here at Kean after half a season and lots of progress for me to want to jump back in somehow. Ever hear the saying “you can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can’t take Jersey out of the girl?” Yea, same thing here. Something about the love/hate relationship almost every swimmer has with this sport tends to keep us roped in somehow.
The high school season will be keeping me roped in at least until early March though, as we’re entering championship and state’s season, both for team states, and for individual states to top it off in March.
My name is Julie (although I usually prefer Jules, it’s what everyone pretty much calls me). This is my second semester of my graduate program here at Kean. And so far, not too shabby. I feel like I am right where I am suppose to be alongside with work and just life in general. Feeling pretty positive which is good because at least one thing is going right, right? Anyways, I’m 26 years old, I work at Passaic High School, I’m the youngest sibling of two, I have four pets, and I like to read and write. Which would make sense of my placement here I suppose. I’m also really big on film photography.
But yeah, I’m excited for this course and the things I will learn as I go.
I think I already mentioned that laminin is going to be difficult to finish before it’s due. That said, I think most of it should make enough sense and enough of a point to say that it’s finished enough. I’m not planning to rush to finish this though, so I’ll continue working on it probably for some time after this even.
I think the only major hiccup I have for that is publishing my piece from Twine so it has a live link. I tried using the link my browser gives me when I click “test from here,” but if I open it on any other browser or device, it doesn’t work. It will simply lead users to create something on Twine themselves. I’ll probably figure this out by asking one of my swimmers after practice tonight, but if anyone has suggestions on how to do that, I’d really appreciate it.
Other than that, there are still so many testimonies that I’m prepared to add to this, and so much more from the Bible to add too (as that really is meant to be the center of the piece anyway). And I know there may be people that read those Bible passages and might not get it, or maybe some will roll their eyes because they’ve been hurt by Christians. I get that. I used to do the same thing, and I know a few people in my life right now that continue to do that too. But here’s the thing– it bothered me when I first heard this quote, and it bothers me now even more that I do believe:
I’ve always said that I don’t respect people who don’t proselytize. I don’t respect that at all. If you believe that there’s a heaven and a hell, and people could be going to hell or not getting eternal life, and you think that it’s not really worth telling them this because it would make it socially awkward—and atheists who think people shouldn’t proselytize and who say just leave me along and keep your religion to yourself—how much do you have to hate somebody to not proselytize? How much do you have to hate somebody to believe everlasting life is possible and not tell them that?
“I mean, if I believed, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that a truck was coming at you, and you didn’t believe that truck was bearing down on you, there is a certain point where I tackle you. And this is more important than that.
Penn Jillette (from Penn & Teller)
While I have no intention of shoving my beliefs down someone’s throat (which is how most people get hurt by the Church), I wouldn’t be loving people if I didn’t at least tell them about the God I know to be real, true, loving, just, merciful, faithful, and kind, among many other things. Is it awkward sometimes? Yes. But in a world where everything is broken in its own way, having the One thing that keeps us whole is going to be uncomfortable, it’s going to make you stand out, and it’s going to hurt sometimes. But He still holds us together. I mean that’s the whole point behind this piece and that’s why I’m in no rush to get it 100% finished (and just to finish it well enough to hand in).
That’s also why I named this piece laminin. I wouldn’t doubt there have been times in other people’s lives, as there have been in mine, where it felt like God was allowing everything to fall apart. And maybe on the surface He was– though He doesn’t cause things to fall apart (that’s just what the broken nature of this world does), He allows it for a bigger purpose than we often might see. But deep down, He was still holding us together through those times. How?
Laminin is a glycoprotein that essentially holds the cells of our bodies together. Is it a coincidence that it’s in the shape of a cross? Is it a coincidence that the cross, as Rome had ‘perfected’ it until Constantine I abolished its use, used to be a symbol of the most excruciating, humiliating, shameful, and gruesome deaths that one could experience? Is it a coincidence that this symbol now also represents new life to how many millions of people around the world, that it’s a symbol of life so strong that many of those people are continuously being persecuted to the point of death?
And I want to bring that back to the point I made with that quote from Penn Jillette for just a moment. It’s not as common (though also not completely unheard of) in America that Christians are persecuted to such a point. While I’ve seen and heard such threats, Pastor Russell Johnson at the Pursuit NW being one of them, I’m also hearing much more from even people within my own church that are afraid to make things awkward or to lose friends due to sharing their faith. But first off, are they really your friend if they don’t hear you out and still love you as a human being, even if your beliefs are a bit different? Also, were you really their friend if you don’t love them enough to care about their eternity? And finally, if God isn’t enough for you, then what is? God is the one and only thing that will never fail or break or forsake you, so if He isn’t enough… what is?
And that’s the other point I’m starting to build on within this piece– Christians should be bold. There is no greater love we can give than to lovingly share the Gospel and spread the good news of God. I’m hoping this will be an encouragement to people in the faith that are scared to be bold because I get it. My social anxiety has been crippling at times. My trauma and certain triggers have forced me out of otherwise fun things or things where God was moving. But God. Do I still feel the anxiety or get bothered by certain triggers and stuff? Yes. That doesn’t usually just disappear. God can, but I’ve found that my anxiety has been that thorn in my side, as Paul wrote somewhere in the New Testament, that reminds me to rely on Him when I need it most. And when I do rely on Him more, it gets easier to move through, even if the circumstances don’t necessarily change. I don’t have to retreat from social or triggering situations because there’s no safer place than where God calls you to be. And I’m hoping that laminin will be that encouragement to Christians too.
The idea for this piece started out as some sort of a “family tree” type of idea. As a writer, I’ve always held a deep-seeded belief that testimony is powerful, and that belief has only continued to root itself deeper in the almost two years since my faith truly became my own.
Eventually the story map started to look a lot more like a bush… then a bush that hasn’t been pruned in a few years… then a bush that hasn’t been pruned in a few years and has a bunch of vines tangled in there… and then I wouldn’t even know how to explain it from there. I was wondering for some time what to do about it. Would it make sense? Would there be an actual story to it? Would the point be apparent to any reader, regardless of how readers navigate through the piece? Would it all hold together?
I don’t remember how the conversations came up, but I had a series of a few conversations with different people at church, none of which were otherwise related conversations, about laminin. Much like Louie Giglio, I didn’t have a picture in my head of exactly what laminin looks like, or what makes it so special. So in the midst of most of these conversations, I was rather confused. Louie explains the fascination some Christians have regarding this portion that essentially acts as the “rebar of the human body,” and it was in this very short clip from one of his messages that laminin made sense, especially with the context of Colossians 1:17.
To gain further context on the church at Colossae that Paul was writing in this letter, I looked to a few different sources, one of my favorites to go to being the Bible Project.
One of the things that Paul addresses with the church at Colossae and that Louie is addressing in the full message he mentions laminin in is the many pressures we experience in life. For me, some of those pressures included admitting “me too,” pressures to conform myself to what people expect of me, pressures to be the strong one as my friends or students or swimmers are falling apart, pressures from myself and my own goals and hopes and dreams, pressures from the storms of life, pressures of being a Christian in a world that speaks and acts and persecutes so boldly against such a faith… For my friend, who for the sake of this project is named Maacah, some of those pressures included an eating disorder and body image issues, abuse within relationships, loss, family pressures, pressures from the storms of life, pressures of being a Christian in a world that speaks and acts and persecutes so boldly against such a faith… Or for another friend also under a pseudonym, Bithiah, some pressures she’s seen in life are homelessness, fatherlessness, other family pressures, pressures from the storms of life, pressures of being a Christian in a world that speaks and acts and persecutes so boldly against such a faith… And for Abednego (another pseudonym), pressures with chronic health issues, pressures of being a first responder, pressures from family and friends, pressures from inside his own mind and often being too hard on himself, pressures from the storms of life, pressures of being a Christian in a world that speaks and acts and persecutes so boldly against such a faith… The list of things we all go through goes on and on and on. Some parts of these lists might be similar or nearly identical to some that may not hold the same beliefs. Some of the struggles we deal with my be vastly different.
And while it might not seem like it right away with Giglio’s full message, it is a point that hits hard towards the end: that God does hold us together when life gets hard, when pressures seem to be crushing you slowly, when it doesn’t seem like things can or will ever work for good… in Him all things hold together– including us, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. It may not feel like you’re being held together sometimes, in fact this past week has been one of those weeks for me, but He is holding you together, even if not in the ways you want Him to.
And a great example of that I’ll add in here I just saw this morning. You can watch parts one and two at their respective hyperlinks. Pastor Russell Johnson has been crushed and press like olives… to make oil. He doesn’t even mention the threats that his church is currently under. He doesn’t even mention the bricks being thrown through the windows of the new location of The Pursuit in Seattle. He doesn’t mention the present threats and letters that his family has received for being so bold in faith and yet he and his family remain persistent in faith. Yet he is still held together as a person, his family remains held together, his church community remains held together, all in One name.
That’s what I’m hoping to get across with this piece. People ask so often why bad things happen to good people but I’d argue that there are no “good people.” I’d say that we are made good by the grace poured out to us. I’d say that bad things happen because this world is so diluted and adulterated from the actual Truth that we don’t actually know what “good” is half the time. I admit I even have trouble understanding in certain circumstances what really is best for me, and when I choose for myself rather than trust God, things tend to fall apart even more. So maybe I’ll get to outline that for people reading who aren’t Christian. Maybe I’ll encourage or convict those who are that read this. There’s a greater purpose to this piece than just a project– there’s a kingdom purpose to it.
That all said, I’m pretty far along on this, but I’m honestly not sure I’ll be able to say I’m satisfied with it by the 19th. It’ll be complete enough that it’ll make sense, but I think continuing it will be a winter break / next semester issue.
I am super excited about creating my own e-lit piece ! I chosen a topic very personal to me to help me engage even more. Postpartum is something most women are silent about and when tend to suffer in silence until it gets better. My mommy friends and I have taken a vow to each other though that we all talk it out no matter what, because no one knows better then us what we go through on a day to day basis.
Twine is the app I will be using to bring this project to life. I feel it best suited my needs and it seems pretty simple to use for me. I want to use my journal writings as well as some poetic writing I will create to make it even more telling of the ways postpartum shapes my life as a mom. I will mostly be focused on text in this piece to get my message across. This will also be a very therapeutic experience for me as well. I want to be an open book to hopefully help other new moms as they go through their mommy journey.
“What people say will make a difference to what Hana feels, and how she behaves.” From the very beginning of Hana Feels, Inglis tells us that there are three possible outcomes to this piece, though what those outcomes are remains untold. Given the context of the piece given in the author and editorial statements, I think it’s a safe assumption that at least one of these outcomes is truly tragic, to say the least.
Will
I liked how Will’s patience is demonstrated on the first page of the actual story. I’m personally not great at handling that awkward silence between statements, but as time has gone on and I’ve had to leave this space for my Bible study groups to speak or even just sit and think for themselves, I’ve built more and more of a peace about these silences. It’s still not all that comfortable, but they are necessary. We need to give people the space to be heard at the very least.
The first three responses to choose from as the reader are all important questions. Asking someone’s name might say to a person ‘I want to know who you are. I want to be able to hear you as you want to be heard.’ It may not be the most open-ended question (as is usually the most useful to start with when helping someone through a mental crisis), but it is a question that may help an individual re-center. It is a question that helps you to meet that person wherever they’re at. The other two questions are powerful and much more open-ended in different ways. For some, it helps to immediately blow off steam and talk about what’s on his/her mind– hence the question of is there something you’re worried about? It could be a simple no sometimes, or it could be a complex no, or it could be a yes. No matter what worries a person though, to be given the safe space to express anxieties is crucial.
A slight tangent from Hana Feels:
I’m speaking this Sunday at youth in a series on doubt and learning not to demonize it. Christianity has a reputation for not wanting to address doubt, or telling people of faith who do express doubts that they just “don’t have enough faith” or “just need to pray more.” We forget that without expressing doubts, we can’t challenge them– whether that means doubts about God or about ourselves as human beings. The question of is there something you’re worried about? plays a major role in challenging doubts, especially doubts about ourselves, our abilities, and situations we may face.
Doubt is not exactly bad, we just tend to steer in a negative direction when we have doubts, or maybe we end up taking the longer route to where we’re going because there were fewer perceived risks involved.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming:
Should I talk for a while? is an underrated question in these situations. Some people just need to be given the chance to slow down their own thoughts, and to hear about something else can really help to center someone and calm them down. I’ve done this a lot as a youth leader and as a coach where a student or a swimmer might be beating his/herself up about something and I’ll tell them about how I did the same thing when I was their age and how I can look back at that moment and laugh or smile. For some, it gives them a bit of hope about their situation. For others, it just makes them laugh or at least crack a smile. Sometimes I’ll just tell some other sort of funny story that has nothing to do with anything (as we see Will does when you select this response). Typically this elicits more of a response than we get from Hana, but that doesn’t mean how Hana is reacting is wrong at all– there is no “wrong” way to react when you’re in a state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You just know you’re not in a healthy space for yourself and you’re trying to claw your way out of there… or in severe cases you dig deeper because it’s unfortunately what you’re used to. Speaking from my own experience at both ends of that, it’s hard to even know what to open up about– let alone how to open up– and we all figure it out in our own ways. Is every way healthy or good? No, but it can all be used for good.
I mean think about it: the cross is a sign of death and humiliation and pain and agony and it’s how the worst criminals died when the Romans used this form of punishment… but God used it to defeat that very death, shame, humiliation, pain, and sin that we deserved… God turned that cross from a symbol of death and condemnation into a symbol of life, love, grace and mercy.
In learning about Will, I realize how much I used to worry about saying the wrong thing, and how I’ve largely stopped worrying about saying the wrong thing over the past year since I started volunteering as a youth leader at church. This isn’t to say that I don’t think about what I say– of course I do– but I think it’s more related to the fact that I’ve started to be more attentive of who or what I allow to speak into my life. I might’ve said this before on another blog, and I know I’ve said this loads of times to my girls at youth, but you cannot pour something out from a cup unless it was first poured in. So I started guarding my mind and my heart by being mindful of the content I take in (whether TV, social media, etc…) and who I allow to speak into my life. Since I’ve started doing more of that, I’ve been able to reflect from time to time and see improvements not only within myself, but also in how I’ve treated and spoken to people.
I do still ultimately feel a bit like Will– the new guy that’s afraid to say the wrong thing– but it’s not something that I beat myself up over anymore. It’s still a struggle, but it’s one I’m able to move through, as Will shows us he was able to as well.
When Hana calls back, she has a response that’s very much like one of my friends who over explains everything. “I didn’t want you to think …” and typically that blank for him is something negative that he believes about himself. In Hana’s case, she doesn’t want to be “that guy.” She explains what she’s assuming Will is perceiving her as four times in the span of four sentences, and what she thinks she’s seen as is what she views as negative. Personally, I avoid saying anything that might be taken as verification, so I didn’t select thanks or I’m glad you called back. The open-ended questions tend to be best anyway.
Each page from here has at least one line that sticks with me. When Hana mentions how weird it is that she’s talking to someone she doesn’t know and can’t see, Will’s line stuck with me: “Some people find it easier to talk to someone they don’t know.”
When Hana says she has a small but big problem: “What is it you really want to talk about, Hana?”
When Hana says she feels like she wasted Will’s time: “You didn’t.”
Hana’s Journal
The guy who answered was called Will. He didn’t call me an idiot for phoning or for not getting to the point. So that was encouraging.
This in particular might be an insight into what Hana’s life is like on a day-to-day basis. Whether that means at home, at school, or elsewhere, it’s clear that not only does she not really feel she has a voice, but she’s also being put down for not using the voice she’s not even sure she really has. And the fact that she’s calling and she did speak to Will shows that she’s in the process of discovering that voice.
Christine
Just from her bio, there’s enough to say that Christine is under a lot of pressure; Hana works for her, so naturally I thought to myself something along the lines of I hope she isn’t the type of boss to take it out on her workers. But from the options on the next page, I noticed that there were more negative statements than positive, open-ended questions to choose from. So I chose the statement that at least showed the most concern for Hana as a person rather than Hana as an employee.
And still, there does have to come a time to address what landed Hana in that office in the first place.
Everyone messes up an order from time to time. But in the space of last weekend, you served a rare steak to a vegetarian, a double whisky to a recovering alcoholic, and some Thai noodles to one unfortunate allergic lady with enough peanuts in the sauce to kill her.
And sure, her apology is warranted, but I could imagine how she said it should raise some concern. I imagined her retreating into herself, voice disappearing once again just as she had been starting to find it the night before.
Another slight tangent from Hana Feels:
I saw a clip from a Michael Todd sermon that talked about things in the beginning stages of development being the easiest things to destroy. That most likely isn’t Christine’s motive here, but I admit that there are better and more loving ways to phrase things when holding people accountable for their actions. Employees are people too, though I understand even from my own experience that it’s hard to keep that in mind when your bosses don’t keep that in mind about you.
Todd talked about how Herod had ordered every male child under the age of two be slaughtered when news of a new king reached him. Why? Because (from the assumption Herod and many of the Pharisees were going off of) why would Herod wait until this King was fully developed and capable of leading his own army to come after him?
And I see the same thing of Hana’s voice here. John 10:10 puts it best that “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” And that’s exactly what’s happening to Hana here– I know because I’ve been there too. Just as I finally felt like I could speak up, there was something just before the door to scare me off again. Often times it continues to be the case that there is opposition to a lot of what I have to say or express, even if not opposition from other people. More often that opposition comes from my own mind– from anxiety, the occasional bouts of depression, flashbacks, body image issues… you name it. And I’m seeing that process going on in this narrative through Hana.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming:
The only response that sounds even remotely framed in a positive light is “This isn’t like you.” So that’s what I went with. And from there the response was elongated in an even more positive light where Christine made sure Hana knew her abilities are truly recognized. She still does get to the point that she needs to as Hana’s boss on the following page, but he important thing is that Christine isn’t putting Hana down or making her stress Hana’s stress. She turns Hana toward her goals… or at least what they once were. She continues to remind Hana that she’s more than she recognizes herself to be.
Hana’s Journal
But then came the uniform issue that Hana seemed worried about in her journal. She didn’t explicitly say why, but there have been hints of it throughout the narrative so far that really was summed up in one line from this entry:
I feel more stressed after that telling off. Even though I think she was trying to help, in a strange way. I’ve just got to keep turning up and get through it. And practice my fake smile.
I did it again tonight, just to take the pressure off. I feel totally trapped.
I don’t even think I need to say what “it” is here… If she’s stressed about wearing a new uniform that’s “more like a cocktail dress than a tunic,” then I think we can put together that covering up something is part of the issue running through Hana’s mind.
Jen
Jen also kind of reminds me of myself in the beginning of the conversation she has with Hana. I wouldn’t be the one to dye my hair orange, but I would be the one to open up with a light and seemingly pointless conversation like she did. I’m the one that has a lot of people I consider friends, but there’s only a few that I truly value their input into my life.
I also typically find myself asking my friends the questions about the people they meet, but at least in the past few days have had some of those questions directed towards me for the first time in a couple years. And I’m more than happy to talk about it, but sometimes I worry as I’m talking that I should leave more space for my friends to talk too. So I started to wonder what Hana must be thinking or what she might want to say, if anything other than what’s being expressed. So naturally, I had Jen ask what’s going on with Hana to give her that space to talk.
She doesn’t say much, and though I know it would help her to talk about it, it could also do more harm to push her. But what else is there to do when you don’t want to talk too much more about yourself or the guy that you basically just met? So I had Jen ask about work and the reply kind of surprised me, but it also didn’t.
She wasn’t at all told that she might be fired, but because of the way she views herself and talks to and about herself, it does make sense that Hana would assume the worst. Jen’s reaction might not be the worst, but it is enabling these thoughts in Hana’s mind. Rather than “What a bitch!” I would’ve rather said something like “Was that all she said?” or “What about your future?” But that’s just me trying to leave space to acknowledge mistakes but not be negative (or even somewhat hostile) toward anyone regardless of involvement in the conversation.
Asking about her mom also seems like an important question, so I went with that one. Hana and her mom aren’t on the best terms at the moment it seems. Was this always the case? There’s not much to tell from, but Jen saying “I never understand why you two don’t get on” makes it seem like this has been a consistent issue at least since Hana and Jen became friends. Maybe this could be a reason she thinks of herself so negatively?
Hana’s Journal
There’s not much to take from this entry but how Hana feels about Jen: a good friend that cares, but can also be a bit much. But something that stuck out was how Hana is placing an expectation on herself based on what the people around her want from her.
… I should be flattered because she’s got lots of friends. I’m going to try harder. But it’s not fun for me at all.
Should Hana completely isolate herself? No. But she shouldn’t force herself to do it more than she can handle. She shouldn’t feel like she has to force herself out there.
Will
I could imagine all the alarms going off in Will’s head when Hana starts asking about the confidentiality and anonymity of the helpline. All of the potential responses would likely elicit some sort of information on why she’s asking these things, so I figured why not ask if there’s any reason she’s asking instead of cloaking the question in some other statement or something of the sort? She might have issues trusting people, so it’s probably best to just be upfront with her.
What really set the alarms off for me is the defensive “No!” when Will asked her to clarify whether her hypothetical about her being suicidal was actually a hypothetical or not. He handles it well and just answers her question , and the options below could pressure her, or the one I chose (“You said before, you think you have a problem.”) gives Hana the chance to dial back from worrying whether or not she would have the cops called on her or not for suicide risk. And when Hana asks if Will feels under pressure, he’s quick to answer and turn the question to her because, (at least from my experience with these situations,) the things a person asks are indicative of the things they want to express but have trouble doing so. Without being asked the very things we ask, we allow our thoughts about the question with regard to ourselves to sit there and do exactly what Hana expresses to Will:
It builds up and up. Sometimes it’s just stupid things like how somebody looks at me or something they say. I get obsessed with what they’re thinking about me… I know I’m tired, but everything keeps going round in my head.
Another slight tangent from Hana Feels:
I’ve heard a couple of rather “Christian-ese” quotes and ideas having to do with this that have helped me a lot to keep my attention on the One thing that matters.
The first thing is something I have written on a taped index card in front of my desk at home: “Comparison is the enemy of all progress.” God designed each of us with unique talents, abilities, strengths, weaknesses, fears, etc. But the thing with comparison isn’t in the differences between us: it’s in where our focus is. We’re all human, so if we are our main focus, we will find something to beat ourselves up about. When Jesus is the main focus, we can only find the forgiveness and grace that He made available to us through the shedding of His blood on the cross. When Jesus is the main focus, our weaknesses are the greatest thing we can boast about because His power is made perfect in weakness. When we focus on ourselves, all we realize is that all is vanity. When we focus on ourselves, there’s always a part of us that understands there is nothing we can do to earn right standing with God. But when we focus on God, this world may be vanity but there’s a greater world to come free from the brokenness of this one. When we focus on God, we don’t have to do anything but believe and live out our faith in Him to receive (not earn) right standing with God because He paid the price to get us back.
The second is that a relationship with God is like walking up a down escalator when God is at the top. If you stand still, regardless of how trapped you might feel, you still have a choice to continue taking the next step towards Him. Once you stop taking those steps, your body may be still but you are moving away from Him. Feeling anxiety or depression or struggling with any mental health struggle may not be a choice, but how you react to that struggle is your choice. God wants you to keep taking those steps. He is not stopping you. He wants to encourage you in your journey up the escalator if you want to hear His Word.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming:
Saying everyone has times like that can help to know that you’re not alone, but part of me also finds it slightly demeaning to the thoughts that may be running through your mind. I tend to think questions lead more places and therefore can be the most powerful use of language we have available to us. I mean think about it, God didn’t come into Eden guns blazing when Adam and Eve ate the fruit, He came in asking where they were and how they knew they were naked even though He already knew. So I decided on having Will ask Hana what’s been going through her mind.
And here’s where I found myself relating the most to Hana:
Like, am I wasting my life? I’m not stupid but I screwed up my exams. I have a shit job and I can’t even do that right. I don’t have any savings — because I’m a terrible cook and I just get takeaways all the time. And the idea of a relationship with a guy terrifies me.
…
I’m nearly twenty. I should have a direction, right? I should be thinking about buying a house and moving in with someone. And confronting bad attitudes with proper feminist arguments. Instead I’m going to get old living in this shitty flat, buying a small carton of milk every day because I can’t get the landlord to fix the fridge. And I’m going to be lonely.
I turn 23 next month. My high school graduating class already graduated college this past spring, and here I am, “a year behind” (though I’m not really giving myself grace for taking on two majors). Even more of them have started their full time careers and seem to really be enjoying it. My jobs aren’t always what one might consider ideal, and sometimes I mess up with them too. I’m not quite where I want to be, even with all the joys I’ve found in what I am doing. But here’s the thing: my worth isn’t in any of that, nor is their worth in any of that either. It’s so so so so easy to compare ourselves. It’s too easy. That’s what we’re used to– the broken state of this world is all we know so of course living by faith in the only One that could make us whole is going to be uncomfortable! What’s hard for us to grasp (especially in a society highly driven on instant gratification) is that the valleys we’re in today prepare us for the mountaintops of tomorrow, often in some of the most outlandish ways.
And not everyone takes the same journey in life, so that’s what I had Will say.
It doesn’t sound like Hana is the one putting the pressure on herself, but she does sound like someone struggling to let go of it. Though there’s so much more to the Gospel than Shia LaBeouf says he got out of it, one of the major points it does make is this point of letting go. Who the Son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36), and the Son, in His own words, is the Way, the Truth, and the life (John 14:6). Asking Hana how she thinks she could fix it might continue to add the pressure. As much as I’d love to ask another question in response, her mind seems to be at a place where she doesn’t need encouragement for it to move any faster, so I had Will acknowledge “That’s a lot to handle at once.”
And I wish that I was given the choice of what to say to Hana before Will asked how Hana deals with pressure. Personally, I’d have taken a bit more time on that conversation to remind Hana that her struggles, her worth, her anything, is not dependent on or comparable to that of anyone else.
Hana’s Journal
But when reading her journal, the point Hana made that “[Will] seems to understand what I’m saying. At least he doesn’t tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do,” I realized that maybe continuing that point isn’t necessary in every situation. People will eventually find reminders of that regardless.
Jen
Why can’t Hana make the double date? I was curious what her reasoning is, though to be honest, dealing with one’s own mental health is enough of a load (and one that should take priority) over dating. She didn’t provide real reasoning though, she tried making an excuse. But in pressing that Hana can be honest with Jen, she finds her reasoning without mentioning too much of the deeper issues going on; she makes a good point too, I wouldn’t want to go on a date with a guy I know literally nothing about except some made up bit that he likes books. But after that, I’m not sure there really is a good response.
“If it helps, you don’t have to wear orange.” Nothing wrong with a bit of lightening the mood, I suppose. But I still don’t like how Jen is trying to drag her out for a date. If it were just her trying to take her best friend for a day out, then sure, I get that. But when you think something is wrong you should be focusing on the individual, not trying to fill some perceived gap in their life. I know Jen is well-intentioned, but I don’t like that she is helping by trying to shove a guy into the mix.
Hana’s Journal
What concerns me most about how Jen is trying to pull Hana of her “rut” is pretty clearly expressed in Hana’s journal entry here:
She thinks she knows me so well. But if she really knew what was going on in my head she’d never pick up that phone. And that’s why I can never tell her…
I can’t cope with this pressure from Jen on top of everything else.
Mrs. Adams
What caught me off guard is that I kind of expected “Hana’s mother” to be more than a subtitle if she came up. It’s pretty easy to understand why though once she says “Never thinks of anybody but herself” about Hana when she gets a call from the hospital.
Final Thoughts
Hear me out on this last thought, which is heavily based on that last statement from Hana’s mother:
I wouldn’t say “never” thinks of anyone else, but in a way, many of these issues take root and fester in someone’s mind when he/she thinks so much of his/herself. Comparison. Wondering what others think of oneself. Focusing on who or what you are. Trying to become someone else because you don’t like yourself.
When I say these are “self-centered” thoughts I don’t mean they are selfish, I just mean that oneself is at the center of every thought– in cases like this, clearly in a negative light.
Something that my friend has struggled with a lot is pride on both extremes– holding himself too high as well as beating himself up like this in the name of humility. (That’s not what humility is, by the way). Here’s the issue with that: when we put ourselves on our own throne of our own hearts, no matter how hard we try there will be a God-sized hole in there somewhere. That manifests itself differently in everyone’s life. But with God at the center, His power is made perfect in weakness. Does that mean these issues will magically disappear and we won’t have mental health struggles? No! My anxiety is the thorn in my side, as Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 12. It’s still there and very real, but I trust in a God who’s never failed. I may not be enough, but I have a God who was, is, and always will be. I may not be enough, but I have a God who still loved me enough to come down and take on the death I deserved to make me enough regardless of all I’ve done/do against Him.
So when that’s my first thought, it’s still difficult to push through, but I do. When I am my first thought… when what others think of me is my first thought… when my assumptions of what I seem like are my first thought… when I am somewhere at the center of my thoughts, that’s when I slip. I used to think the same of myself. I used to over apologize. I used to think everyone thought I was trash or some weird kid no one wanted anything to do with. But now, even if that was the case, God wanted so much to do with me that He died for me. I think that’s pretty remarkable, and even more so that He’s extended that love and grace and mercy to every single one of us if we’re open to taking His hand and trusting Him.
The official class site for Dr. Mia Zamora's Spring 2023 "Networked Narratives" course.
