While taking a winter/holiday break was refreshing and relaxing I had to return back to work January 2nd. Therefor I returned to work mode in all aspects that needed it. That included my thesis. I found myself being able to write more on my break from my Graduate Program when I was a little more sad or going through something. And I am not going to like these past couple of weeks and months (since November) have been hard for me. But maybe it’s best since sometimes that is when I produce the most work. From my break from the graduate program I wrote a total of 4 vignettes I believe. Which was pretty solid. I was hoping to write more but I’ve noticed that when I write just to write I don’t produce the best work. And my thesis is something I want to be proud of, it’s something I want that will be able to resonate with people. With that being said, I figure I share a piece I wrote over break below. Enjoy
You asked me while lying in bed if I felt loved by you. I had my back facing you as I submerged my head deeper into the pillow to fight any tears that would fall. No I don’t. When I said those words aloud I felt instant regret for knowing now there are no take backs. I said what I said. Scared that you would be angry with me I stood quiet as I let you speak. But every time you spoke I didn’t want to hear it. Mainly because I can’t believe it. All my life I’ve heard I was too much; too sensitive, too extra, too annoying, too professional, too mature, too innocent, too everything. For once maybe I just want to be enough.
When I saw those messages between you and those girls I didn’t see the messages for what was said. Instead I saw those girls as something I wasn’t. Because what else could it be? You say I am too perfect and too good for you, yet these other girls are the ones you are chasing. How can I believe that I am the one you want or love? It’s not fair when you get mad at me for when I tell you that you don’t love me. It’s confusing really. Everything about it. I’m trying to make sense of it in my head but instead it keeps me up at night on a loop and I never come to any answers.
